So, we all know that the usual course of action for me at the end of a relationship is to hop pretty well immediately into another one. Most of the time, this comes right on the heels of me swearing that I’ll be single for a while. Then a bar night happens, or a right swipe happens, or fuck, I buy a house, and WHAMMY, boyfriend.
We’re four situations into this one.
There was the pretty boy who proved himself way too bro and, bless his heart, just not smart enough. Also, I don’t like dating hot guys. There. I said it. For a variety of reasons from vanity to jealousy, I need to be the better looking one. It has also been my experience that the hottest guys just don’t have a lot to say. I like nerdy weirdos, y’all. I can’t help it. I will forever be the chick that people look at and think “What is she doing with him?” My insides don’t match my outsides, what can I say?
There was Favorite Old Flame, who, God love him, I hope we stay friends for all our days, but the thing I have learned most resolutely over the last year is that people don’t change. In this case, old flame remains all the reasons why he became an old flame (I’m sure me for him as well – we are divinely intertwined to be pals) and I was reminded by the Universe that the solution very rarely lies (FUCK! Is it lies, lays, I don’t know!) in the past.
There was blind date who cancelled on me at the last minute, which was really ok because I’d already mentally cancelled on him, reminding me that some parts of dating are just TOTALLY disappointing. I’d never met the guy, I wasn’t excited for the date, but it existed to remind me that I’m not the center of someone’s Universe right now and tough titties for me.
Then, there was the wonderful guy. Damn it. He’s wonderful. He is wonderful and right now that makes me feel like I am backed into a corner, placed into a line to give blood while I’m still bleeding out. My insides don’t have what it takes right now to give Wonderful what it deserves. So I cancelled a date after feeling anxious about it all day because…
I’m. Not. Ready.
I’ve never said those words before. Not about dating. Not about sex. Not about anything. I’m always ready. For whatever. This time, no.
Now, before you go thinking, poor Jenn, she must be so sad about her break-up. I need you to know some things. Most importantly that I am fine. I am not not ready because I’m crying myself to sleep over BoD. Oh, I forgot to tell you. RB’s new acronym is BoD. It stands for Bag of Dicks. Post break-up he has very well proven himself to be one…I didn’t want to write this post, cause I didn’t want anyone thinking I still care or don’t but, he’s still blowing my phone up…
First, did you see what I just did there? Amazing right? And actually, he’s blowing up my email because I have his number blocked, but I digress.
So, I’m not crying myself to sleep. I have cried. A few times. It’s not like I have no feelings at all about the situation. But every interaction I have with him continues to prove me right and sit me super-grounded in my choices. Unfortunately, it also reminds me that I have been through a shit hard year and all I want right now is a little peace and quiet.
Last night, two of my friends and I ate tacos and sat on the couch and sang songs and told stories and it filled up my soul. These tiny little moments lately with my people, in my city. They feel like…healing. They feel like these lucky little selfish acts where the people I love don’t even realize I am stealing our life force Dementor-style to fill up that empty jar we talked about last time. Do you remember when I said there was joy in this reinvestment? It is epic.
I listen to all of my still-single friends who, as I have been, are trying so hard to find their person. And a thought occurred to me. What if I’m my person? What if all these years of constantly putting all of myself into SUCH UNWORTHY dudes has been the wrong relationship simply because it was with someone else and not with myself? I have NEVER put as much energy into myself as I have into a relationship. What if I showered myself with love and curiosity and forgiveness and fun and gifts and things just for the sake of making that person, ME, happy? WHAT? Well, that’s the most novel fucking idea I’ve ever had.
People tell me I’m selfish all the time. I’m obviously a narcissist. If there’s anything I should be really good at it, it’s myself. I feel like the time is finally here where I can say that I am ready to be alone. Not only am I ready, I crave it. I need it. It, like leaving was, is imperative.
The scary part about doing this is wondering how you will fill the time. The scariest thought is that you could end up alone every Friday night, miserly and sad. Ok, yeah right. My life hasn’t skipped a beat. For what it’s worth, only one of the like, thousands of cool things I’ve done in the last 6 weeks has been a date. (Ugh. A great date with Wonderful. Stupid timing.) Pretty came to hang out with me and my friends a couple of times, but otherwise I have been kept totally busy by a village of the most badass Bs. And every time we do something, I feel like I make a new friend, thus widening the pool of badass Bs with plans for me to the point of actually LONGING to sit at home on a Friday night.
No part of me wants to accommodate another human right now. I don’t want to, as I sadly told Wonderful last night, be beholden to anyone. If I cancel dinner with my friends, they know I’ll see them tomorrow or some other time with no guilt attached. That’s what I need right now. I need to answer only to me. Some times to Donna. 🙂
I’m gonna rock the free world Jenn Ciccarelli style for a little while. Maybe a long while. Fuck, maybe forever. Maybe I really AM Blanche and I’ll just be hot and old and doing the damn thing. I have no idea what’s coming. The future is as wide open as I think it’s ever been. I like this feeling. Like, SO MUCH. And if I do meet someone, I finally might just say, “Sorry, I’m growing as a person right now.” 😉