The Art of Being Impossible

A Series of Essays on Being a Pain in the Ass

Bye, Barack: A Farewell To #44

I didn’t vote for Barack Obama. At the time, ‘Yes, We Can’ seemed a little idealistic for me after nearly a decade of George W. Bush – Wait. Stop. Can we just say here that Dubya is looking more and more like a big, dumb loveable puppy (minus the part where he TOTALLY knew about 9/11) compared to the evil that is about to inherit the meek? Fuck, guys, that’s bad. Anyways, as I tend to, I digress.

I didn’t vote for Barack Obama, and I’d like to say I’m damn sure glad for all of you who did. Check out the numbers. For the record, I pulled this from, which I consider fairly non-biased. You can see that, while not perfect, it cannot be said that Barack Obama did not positively impact our country. Our economy. Our planet. Most important, though, is the way Barack Obama positively impacted our people.

For the first time in a very long time, humanity found its way to the White House. Humility and laughter. An almost complete lack of scandal. A love story for the ages. A genuine sense of kindness and the lucky ability to not take life so seriously some times. Remember when he told us they were building Iron Man? And the special bromance with Joe Biden? Stolen moments with Michelle? I mean, there’s a clip floating around of all the times the guy made himself laugh. Gosh, I love him so.

I’m sad I wasn’t on the Barack Obama bandwagon for the first half of his presidency. Please know I finally saw the light, ran real fast, and caught up in time to see an incredible man hold an important office with grace, finesse, and an innate ability to connect with others. These values, his strength and courage, a never-questioned sense of wanting to help others, solidified his spot on my list of truly great men. I was lucky to live during his time in office.

Unfortunately, today, that time comes to an end. I, like many (most, you Electoral College fucks), am heartbroken today. November still feels like a nightmare, only it really has seemed to get worse and worse every day. As a self-professed non-patriot, I never realized how much I cared about my country until I learned it would be handed off to a self-indulgent, facist (although not really because there’s not a lick of idealism inside Donald Trump), petulant, bullying, child.

I’m afraid, y’all. When Donald Trump says he wants to Make America Great Again, can we talk about what the reality of that is?

Steel and coal jobs? Really? Will our husbands (because in Great Old America, most women didn’t work) carry a nice thermos of soup to the mine or plant? A profoundly harsh impact on the environment, not to mention coal is a non-sustainable form of energy. Let me spell that out for you climate change deniers. There is a finite supply of fossil fuel in this Earth. That means they run out. And sooner than you idiots think. We need to be investing in renewable forms of energy. Wind. Solar. Water. Your boy Donald wants to take us back to a time in industry when we consumed at NO WHERE NEAR the level we do now. We have to look forward or it doesn’t matter what you THINK about fracking because we’ll all be dead from lack of clean water to drink.

Our Earth. Allow me to keep going. Cool. Back in Great Old America, we had NO IDEA what impact we were making on the Earth with our actions. Funny thing about research and discovery over time. This guy is working his ASS off to take scientific evidence and make it look like liberal conspiracy. An ice shelf the size of Delaware is about to break off Antarctica after the planet’s hottest year on record. DO YOU NOT GET THE MAGNITUDE OF THAT? Do you understand what rising sea levels mean? What happens when all the coral reefs are bleached? When all the sea life dies because we’ve left them with nothing but plastic to eat? When all the bees are gone? WE DIE, YOU GUYS. All those precious little consumers you’re popping out. DEAD. Probably at the hands of starvation or disease or horrible suffering. Or maybe their spaceship crashed on the way to Mars, which we have to populate because we destroyed Earth. Either way, his active denial of this will, literally, kill us all.

Oppression of Women – Man, the 50s sure were great for women, weren’t they? Oh wait. Seriously. You fucking conservatives. No birth control, but no abortions. Gotta have the kid you wisely know you don’t have the resources to support, sorry cut the food stamps program. Why would you need a pap smear? Only slutty girls get cervical cancer. Oh, you want to have a baby in a natural way without a planned C-section and FDA-sanctioned dose of Pitocin? SORRY! NOT COVERED BY YOUR INSURANCE. Also, once you have that kid, unlike every other country ON EARTH, it’s 50/50 on whether or not your boss likes you enough to give you maternity leave. Sorry about your luck, breast-feeding baby. We can also get into awesome things like wage-gap, the rape crisis we’re obviously facing when FUCKSTICKS like Brock Turner get let out of prison after, like, 5 minutes, and the still prevalent archaic gender-role projections that wife and mom are the best goals a woman can have in life.

Whites (and Men. And Straights.) Only – I’m sorry, I know this seems an obvious place to start, but does anyone ever stop to think about what he’s saying? A wall, you guys. A WALL. We are just going to build a giant wall between our countries. Maybe we can hang a NO BROWNS ALLOWED sign on the Mexico side of it? Is this a fucking joke? We’re up to our eyeballs in debt, but we’re going to build a wall. Because man, those Mexicans are really fuckin’ shit up over here. Also, sorry if you’re black. There will be no investment in your communities. LGBT friends, your marriages and your rights are important and I will fight beside you should you ever stand to lose them. Sorry AF if you’re Muslim. I don’t even want to make a joke about that one. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I don’t want you to have to register yourself to be anywhere ever and you can come up in ANY space of mine and practice your faith. You are harming me none. I am smart enough to understand your beautiful beliefs do not equate terrorism. I understand more people die in my country at the hands of Republican-sanctioned gun violence every day than they have from every terrorist attack ever. I understand that to REALLY, REALLY make it in this world, nothin’s better than bein’ a white dude who likes to get peed on by Russian prostitutes. I don’t expect that to change any time soon, but it would be cool if the white dudes could lean more toward the Bern and less toward the Don, if ya know what I mean.

See how none of this is great? See how he is going backwards? See how progress stops?

So. Today is it. We say goodbye, not just to a great president, but to a great man. Donald Trump, business ruiner and reality star extraordinaire is now presiding over the Greatest Country On Earth. That fact alone means it isn’t. It means we’re tolerating Russian hacking and voting fraud. It means the popular voice of our citizens doesn’t matter. It means men across the country said this guy is an ok example for their daughters. That women gave permission to be grabbed and objectified by the Great Golden Showerer himself. What. The. Fuck? This America isn’t and won’t be great at all.

I’m going to take a cue from the Obamas and try, over the next four years (or until he gets impeached, PLEASE HURRY) to accept this with grace. To be the example of kindness and empathy that our new, but never my, president lacks. To stand tall and to stand up for people lower on the privilege ladder than me. To fight for our planet. For our bodies. For our basic and most important right to be free. I will try to keep hope that, YES, WE CAN get through this. And come out on top. Today, I don’t feel hope, but I am going to try to muster its return because it’s all we’ve got left. And each other. Let’s hold on to both, ok?

Thank you, President and Michelle Obama. For eight years. For the laughs. For the growth. For the love. You far surpassed anything we had planned for you. We will love you always and miss you more than you can possibly know.


Most of us.

1 Comment

  1. Brilliant! Thank you for having the balls to write this! It’s the end of our country as we knew it. I literally fear the next 4 years.
    Goodbye to the Obama’s….
    You will be greatly missed!!!

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